everything's gonna get lighter, even if it never gets better
by NeiLegni
Summary: Quinn tries a dangerous stunt to gain custody of Beth, but as she spirals out of control, it becomes clear to everyone else how vital it is to get a struggling Quinn the help she desperately needs.


The plan is so simple and perfect. It comes to her in the middle of the night. She doesn't sleep anymore. She stays up all night reading and writing letters and songs and stories and chain smoking until the sun colors the clouds pale and pink and her alarm starts ringing. But tonight instead of the usual nothing she comes up with the perfect solution. Of course there's a voice, barely a whisper really, in the back of her mind that calls the ethics into question. _Don't people get arrested for something like this? _Maybe. Sometimes. But not this time. Not now. Not Quinn Fabray. She has a reason, a purpose, and a need. She may still look like a fuck up and she might not have any plans for her life after graduation, but that's why this has to go perfectly. What else will she do for the rest of her life?

It's truly brilliant. Probably the best idea she's ever had. She scribbles down the logistics in a notepad beside her bed. No one will get hurt and it will all be for the best. Everything will be as it should be. She'll finally feel like she's worth something to someone again and all of the naysayers will eat their hearts out when they realize that she was right all along.

It's just a matter of careful manipulation. Over the course of a month she has gained enough of Shelby's trust by feigning interest in music and her grades and her future in order to see Beth. At first her every touch and gesture is monitored by Shelby's narrow eyes that Quinn can feel flickering from her blonde hair to Beth's honey colored curls. She loves watching Shelby's heart break every time she sees the similarities between a REAL mother and daughter. But Quinn plays it cool- she bites the insides of her cheeks to keep from smiling when she sees Shelby's eyes water. She always thanks Shelby profusely for the privilege of seeing her own damn child and very carefully holds back all the sarcasm and pent up resentment until she reaches her car where she rips Shelby apart alone on the drive home. Sometimes during these screaming matches she holds with herself from the safety of the driver's seat she catches a glance at herself in the rearview mirror and it isn't until she sees her own reflection that she notices she's been crying.

* * *

By the end of the following month she is a star member of the Troubletones, she's playing nice with all the other kids, she's doing her homework, and wearing nicotine patches whenever she's around Shelby. Shelby grants her the honor and privilege of spending time one on one with Beth.

"On a trial basis," she clarifies.

"Of course," Quinn replies sweetly. She's always saccharine sweet with Shelby now. She's created a tone of voice that sounds kind and sincere, but unwavering. It's working.

"I'm really proud of you, Quinn. You seem to be turning over a new leaf. You're growing up and I'm very impressed. I've always wanted Beth to have a relationship with you and I'm so glad that you've gotten to a point where you're willing to make the sacrifices to build that relationship."

"Keen!"

The toddler stretches her arms towards Quinn, waiting to be picked up. Quinn hoists the girl on her hip and kisses her forehead. She loves the way Beth feels in her arms. She's all softness and warmth—she's true perfection. From her golden curls to her round cheeks to the way her eyes lit up when Quinn, her "Keen", walked through the door. How could anyone possibly think this child was better off with a stranger? Just look at her! She was so happy in Quinn's arms. She probably knew Quinn was the only one who could really love her the way she needed to be loved.

Her plan was in Beth's best interest. She was saving her from sixteen years of searching and wondering and hoping. She had seen, from a distance, how Rachel's world was ripped apart with longing for a mother she never knew and she watched Rachel try to stitch her past to her present, try to negotiate who this woman was.

That would never happen to her baby.

"So can we start today?" Quinn asks hopefully. This is perfect—even better than she planned.

"I suppose we could. I do need to head to the grocery store and pick up a few things. I won't be out long."

Shelby pulls out a pad of paper and starts making a grocery list.

"She ate just before you got here, but if she needs a diaper change you know where the diapers and wipes are. If she gets fussy just walk around holding her. There's a CD Noah made for her in the stereo if she starts asking for 'noh-nah'. She loves listening to music, especially that. Are you sure you two are going to be all right here if I go out?"

"We'll be fine. This isn't the first time I've babysat, Shelby. Beth's in good hands."

For a second she thinks that Shelby can see into her mind and knows what she's going to do, but she just smiles prettily and assures Shelby that she'll call her if there's a problem.

She waits until she has seen Shelby's car roll down the street before she starts to move.

"Okay, sweetheart. We're going to go for a drive, just us. Does that sound like fun?" She tickles Beth, who smiles and laughs as she's lowered to the floor.

"I've got an extra car seat in the car. I'll take a few diapers and a bottle and some milk. We can always buy more milk at a store. Snacks…that will be important. Toys, a blanket, clothes…no, I've got enough clothes in the car."

She mutters through her list as she walks through the apartment gathering what she thinks she'll need for the trip into a backpack.

She breaks the CD and throws the pieces in the trash.

"Let's put on your coat, little girl. We're going on an adventure!"

Quinn bundles up the baby and carries her out of the apartment with her bag strapped to her back. She doesn't even think as her feet carry them from the apartment down the stairs, out the front door, down the street to Quinn's car. She buckles Beth into the car seat she bought especially for this. The clothes and blankets and toys in the trunk she's been collecting for weeks and hiding. She's prepared. She's ready.

Beth babbles in the back while Quinn decides which direction to go. She could go either North or South on I75. It doesn't really matter. North will take her up to Michigan and south will take her down to Kentucky. But north will take her to I90 and that can take her all the way up to Canada and she's pretty sure babies don't need passports.

She heads north and follows the signs to Toledo. After about an hour she pulls over to change Beth's diaper and give her some apple slices she buys at a McDonalds rest stop. They're sitting at a table when her cell phone vibrates in her pocket.

Shelby.

She ignores the call and taps Beth's nose with a piece of apple, which makes her laugh and Quinn laughs too.

She straps the baby back in and climbs into the drivers seat. She sings to the radio and Beth claps her hands to the music as best she can. Another hour and they're headed east and Beth has fallen asleep in her car seat and Quinn is deciding how much longer she'll drive. She wants to get as far away as possible but she knows that Beth will need to eat again soon and it's already almost seven o'clock. She ignores the repeating melody that plays from her cell phone over and over again.

Another hour and they'll cross into Pennsylvania. She can do that.

When she stops for gas near Cleveland Beth wakes up confused and crying, calling out "Mama! Mama!"

Quinn takes her out of the car and presses the child to her chest.

"Shhhh," she whispers. "Your mama is right here and she always will be. I'm your mama, Beth, and it's going to be okay."

She buys a small box of Cheerios for Beth and the name on the box calls to mind her life before all of this: before she got pregnant and before her reputation went up in flames—when her life was good and solid. When she was the apple of her parents' eye.

With all that gone what's there left to lose?

She helps guide some of the cereal into Beth's mouth, but the baby spits them back out and cries. She screams and wails and nothing Quinn can do in the parking lot of this gas station to quiet her down. She tries singing and talking to her and rubbing her back. She burps and changes and tries to feed her. She bounces her in her arms but it doesn't help.

"Beth, stop crying, okay? Everything is all right but you need to stop crying so we can keep driving. Stop! Okay! Stop! I get it! Just stop!"

She's failing. Beth seems like she's coming apart at the seams. She's going from red to purple and her little body is squirming and wriggling and it's hard to keep a grasp on her. People are looking at Quinn and she can feel their judgment burning in their eyes. They think she's a bad mother. They think she can't raise this baby. They think Beth belongs with Shelby but they're wrong. They're so wrong.

Beth stops to catch a breath but lets out a wail louder than before.

It's getting colder outside and she buckles the screaming baby back into her seat and just starts driving. She tunes the radio to one an eighties, nineties, and now stations and hums along, trying to tune out Beth's unending crying. Eventually Beth's sobs trail off. When Quinn looks back Beth is asleep with her head resting on the side of the car seat. She's so precious and so perfect. Even with all of her failures and lapses and fuck ups Beth is perfect and undeniably hers. Sure, she wasn't ready before, but now she knows that she's the only one who can build a perfect life for her perfect daughter. Beth rouses from sleep and chatters in the back seat while playing with the box of Cheerios. Listening to her daughter's voice Quinn smiles for the first time in what feels like lifetimes.

She passes the state line into Pennsylvania and pulls into the parking lot of the least seedy hotel she can find. She hands over her credit card, the one that's only for emergencies. Quinn takes the keycard from the manager's outstretched hand but she senses his doubt and knows that he's looking at her with the same disdain as the people at the gas station—the same way her dad stared at her the night he kicked her out of her home.

"What?" She snaps. "Haven't you ever seen a woman with her baby before?"

As she turns her back and starts toward the stairs she reminds herself how alike she and Beth look. There is no denying that the child in her arms is her flesh and blood. No one knows what she did and even if they did, they would congratulate her, not punish her. She's saving her baby. What could be nobler?

* * *

When they make it into the dingy room, Quinn sets Beth on the bed with a spread of her favorite toys and she makes a bottle with a carton of milk from the gas station that she heats in the sink. She can do this. She was born to be a mother. She was born to be Beth's mother, and when she holds Beth in her arms she couldn't be surer that she's doing the right thing.

She settles next to Beth on the bed and pulls out her phone again.

107 missed calls. 30 voicemails. Almost 300 texts. All from Shelby.

Delete. Delete. Delete.

But she does dial Puck's number. He picks up on the first ring.

"Quinn! Where the fuck are you? What are you doing? Where's Beth?"

"Puck, calm down. She's safe. She's with me—where she belongs."

"Bring her home now. If you come back from wherever you are Shelby won't call the police and we can talk about this."

"No."

"What do you mean, no?"

"I'm not giving my daughter back. She's mine. We're going to live together and build a life together."

"Quinn this is-"

"I didn't call for a lecture. I called to tell you to come with us. Come be a family with us. Help me give Beth what we didn't have."

He sighs.

"Where are you?"

"Are you coming?"

"Yes."

"Are you bringing Shelby?"

"Of course I—"

"She can't come, Puck. She'll take my baby."

She hears Puck's breathing through the phone. She can hear his frustration in its heaviness.

"One second," he says.

There's silence on the line for a full minute and she knows he's talking to Shelby. He's probably telling her that Quinn's right and she has no business wanting Beth back because a child belongs with her mother and father and that's it. No question. No alternatives. He's probably leaving Shelby now that he knows she would stand in the way of a mother and daughter reuniting. She's probably crying because she feels so guilty for robbing a child of a true family. Right at this moment she probably sees that Quinn is doing the right thing.

"Okay, Quinn. I'm back. I'll come find you and Beth. It's going to be okay."

"Shelby can't come."

"But she-"

"Shelby can't come," she commands.

"Okay," he says carefully. "Where are you?"

"I'm at a Quality Inn and Suites in Fairview Pennsylvania."

"Jesus, Quinn. You can't cross state lines with Beth…"

"Why not? She's mine."

"Calm down."

"I'm calm!"

"You're screaming."

"I am not!"

"Okay, okay. Just stay in your room with Beth until I get there. Be safe. Don't leave the hotel. Don't drive."

"What's wrong with you? I'm fine. I'm better than fine. We could be perfect now, Puck. We can be happy all together like we're supposed to be. It will be perfect and we will be happy you me and our miracle baby who found her way back to us and we would be a family and we could be happy. It's fine."

There's a long pause.

"Okay Quinn. I'll see you soon."

She hangs up and tosses her phone on the bed, where Beth is sitting and staring at her. Her lip is trembling and her eyes are wide. So wide. Too wide? Is she going to cry again?

"Hey little girl. Hey princess. It's okay. It's okay. We're going to have fun, right? We're going to have a good time together. It's all okay."

She rummages through the bag for another diaper and changes Beth on the bed and puts her in her pajamas. It's almost ten and the baby's eyelids are drooping, but Quinn isn't tired. She's never felt more awake. She's never tired. She will never be tired again. She'll stay awake all day taking care of Beth and they'll do fun things like take walks in the park and go to the playground and Quinn will take her to the library for story time and they'll read book after book after book together. She'll make special dinners for her and she'll sing lullabies every night. They'll go to all the Mommy and Me classes at the community center and when Beth goes to bed Quinn will stay up reading all of the parenting books she can so she can be the best mother anyone has ever had.

She holds Beth in her arms and rocks her back and forth and sings every song she ever sang in glee club to the toddler until she's fast asleep. She puts Beth in the middle of the bed and admires her daughter, who looks so calm and peaceful. Her long eyelashes sweep her cheeks and her little, perfectly shaped lips are parted just slightly and Quinn can hear her soft, steady breathing. She kisses her forehead and quietly moves into the bathroom to shower.

She's shaving her legs when she hears a loud _thump_ followed by a piercing scream and then wailing. She runs naked out of the bathroom to find Beth on the floor wailing and gasping, nearly choking on her sobs. Quinn scoops her up in her wet arms and tries to hold her against her body, but Beth only squirms and cries harder and harder.

"Shh, you're okay. You're safe. You're not hurt, right? It was just a little fall. That happens to babies all the time."

"Mama! Mama! Maaamaaaa!"

"I'm right here, baby. Right here." She clutches Beth closer, but she struggles, trying to throw herself back out of Quinn's reach.

"If you would just let me hold you I could help you!"

"Mamaaaaaaa! Mama mama mama mama! Maaaaaamaaaa!" She screams.

"Beth! I'm your mama! Stop!"

She's getting red and her nose is running and she has a bump on her head and she's still crying for her mother.

"Why do you keep crying? What can I do?"

Why is she crying? What happened? Is she hurt? Is she going to die? Why won't she stop crying?

"Beth! Stop crying! Stop crying! Stop crying! Stop it now!"

Beth stops in shocked silence. Her round eyes stare up at Quinn, who stands naked and screaming "stop it stop it stop it" viciously into silence. Before Beth can choke out another sob, Quinn clasps her hand over the toddler's mouth and is going through her bag for a pacifier. She finds one and puts Beth back onto the bed along with a handful of toys she's pulled out of her bag..

"I'm sorry." She whispers as tears prick the corners of her eyes. "I'm so sorry I yelled. Mama will never do that again."

She starts pacing and tears run down her face, muttering "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry". Once Puck gets here thing will be easier. He'll know what to do when she starts crying like that and soon she'll learn how to make her stop on her own. It will be okay. Of course the first day is a little rough but everything will be fine.

She lies down next to Beth on the bed and strokes her flaxen curls.

"You love me, right baby girl? You know I will never hurt you. We need each other and I'll never go away. You're all I've got. I've ruined everything else I've touched Beth, but you…you're just right. I'm not going to make a mistake with you."

She draws Beth closer to her body and traces every one of her features. Her eyes are clearly Quinn's, but her nose has the same curve and slope as Puck's. Quinn touches her own lips as she lightly traces Beth's, feeling the identical shape of their upper lips. Her eyes are green with flecks of gold and a ring of brown—they're really a perfect marriage of her eyes and Puck's. They made this baby together and they'll raise her together. Puck will be a perfect father. He'll teach her to drive and he'll play guitar for her and scare away the wrong kinds of boys and will always love her and make sure that whatever happened to Quinn never touches Beth.

For the first time in weeks Quinn is exhausted. She digs through her bag until she finds the sweats and tee shirt she packed last night deep at the bottom and pulls them over her tired limbs, still sore from so many hours in the car. She curls her body around Beth as she plays and slowly lets her heavy lids drop.


End file.
